The Simpsons Trial and Tribulations
by Owennumber1fan
Summary: Arthur & Sue Ellen are invited on a double date with an old friend, but nothing could prepare them for the craziness that is Springfield.
1. Suey Lewis with the News

(I know I haven't finished all of _Arthur Grown Up _yet, but I couldn't wait to start this one. And I figure people will probably like this one better anyway).

It was a normal Friday afternoon in Elwood City, and Arthur Read was sitting on his couch at home reading. Little did he know that fate would soon give him some news that would lead to the biggest adventure of his teenage life.

Suddenly, Sue Ellen burst through the door, panting heavily.

"Arthur, I have…good news…" she said, hoping to regain her breath.

"You okay Sue Ellen? You seem a little winded."

"I'm sorry, but I had some really great news and I rushed right over to tell you" Sue Ellen replied.

"You could've just called."

"I decided I'd rather tell you in person" Sue Ellen replied, by now having taken a seat on the couch beside her beloved.

"Well, what is it?"

"Do you remember Lisa Simpson?"

"Sure, yellow skinned girl with pointy hair, visited our town about 5 years ago" Arthur replied "weren't you two going to keep in contact with each other?"

"We still do" Sue Ellen explained "we used to communicate through letters, but then her dad got upset at the rising cost of stamps, so now we talk through e-mail. Anyway, Lisa invited us to come spend the weekend with her, and go on a double-date with her and her boyfriend. Isn't that great?"

"Sure, I'd love to see Lisa again" Arthur said "but I'm not sure my parents would let me go to a different city for a whole weekend."

"You never know unless you ask" Sue Ellen replied "my parents already said I could go. Oh, it'll be so great seeing Lisa again. It's hard to believe it's been five years already."

"Yeah, who knows what changes she's gone through since then" Arthur replied.

* * *

A few minutes later, Arthur told the news to his parents, who were still debating on whether or not he could go.

"I'm not sure I like the idea of you going to another city without any adult supervision" Mrs. Read said "we have no idea what this Springfield place is like."

"Please mom, Sue Ellen's parents said she could go!" Arthur begged.

"Let him go mom, then I can take his room while he's gone" D.W. added.

"You're not setting foot in my room D.W.!"

"You can't stop me from going in your room!"

"Oh yeah!"

"Yeah!"

"Oh yeah!"

"Yeah!"

"Oh yeah!"

"Okay, enough you two!" Mrs. Read replied "well, I do remember Mrs. Simpson to be a fine and respectable woman, so I guess you'll be okay under her watchful eyes…"

"Yes!"

"But, I expect you to be on your best behavior" Mrs. Read continued "follow all the rules of the household and the city. And be polite to your hosts."

"Not to worry mom" Arthur replied "I'm always polite."

"That's a laugh" D.W. said "you always shut the door on me when I ask you to play, or call me names like 'D.W. Dimwit' or 'Little Miss Ugly Nose' or…"

"Thank you D.W., we get it" Mr. Read interrupted "but I'm sure Arthur won't do any of that at the Simpson house."

"If the Simpsons really like Arthur, maybe they could keep him and I could move into his room" D.W. suggested.

"No!" both of her parents replied.

* * *

"Wow, Lisa Simpson. I haven't seen her in ages" Francine said.

Arthur & Sue Ellen had come to the Sugar Bowl with some of their friends and had told them the good news.

"I'm so jealous, I wish I was going" Muffy said.

"Well, Lisa did specifically ask me and Arthur" Sue Ellen said "but I'm sure she wouldn't mind if we brought a few friends along."

"I don't know Sue Ellen…"

"Oh don't be such a worrywart Arthur, I'm sure Lisa will be thrilled to see some of the old gang again" Sue Ellen replied "but we can't take all of you, 'cause I don't know how much room they have."

"Well I'm definitely coming, 'cause I want to do a piece on Springfield for the Frensky Star" Francine said "if a person like Lisa came from there, who knows what other interesting people live there. Fern, I'm making you my official photographer."

"Great, do I get paid?"

"Um no, it's strictly a non-paying gig. Union rules and all."

"What union?" Fern questioned.

"I would also like to participate in this excursion" Alan added "perhaps this Springfield has other intellectuals with whom I can share enlightening discussions."

"Well if we're inviting people, then I want Buster to come" Arthur said "no way is my best bud gonna miss out on a trip like this."

"Then I guess it's settled" Sue Ellen replied "all of you talk to your parents about going, and if they agree, then we'll leave for Springfield first thing tomorrow."

"I'm sure my parents won't mind" Francine said "they said I could go to Crown City by myself if I wanted."

"My parents will just be glad to get me out of the house" Fern added.

* * *

Bart: Well four-eyes, it'll be great to see you again.

Arthur: And you too. I'm really looking forward to visiting your city. Although I am worried D.W. might try to steal my room.

Bart: You ought to get an alarm system for that bad boy.

Arthur: I'm not even sure where'd I go for that.

Bart: You've got a pal who's a genius right? Have him hook one up for ya.

Arthur: Maybe I'll try that. In the next chapter, we visit our old pals and find out what they've been up to in the last five years.

Bart: Not much.

Arthur: So don't forget to read and review.


	2. Reunited, and it feels so good

The next day, the kids prepared for their trip. Arthur was doing some last minute packing

"Let's see, toothbrush, pajamas, some books, my Gameguy, yup, I'm all packed" Arthur said, looking through his suitcase.

Seeing as how he was suitably packed, he headed down the stairs.

"All packed honey?" Mrs. Read asked, as Arthur headed to the door.

"Yup."

"Well you be good, and don't get into any trouble."

"I never do."

"And try to get a few of Mrs. Simpson's recipes. For your father, of course."

"Of course, bye mom" Arthur said.

Arthur's mom blew him a kiss as he headed outside to his dad's catering van. Sue Ellen and Buster were already present, but the other kids had not yet arrived.

"This is going to be so great!" Sue Ellen gushed "I can't wait to see Lisa again! I'm getting excited just thinking about it."

"Things were sure interesting with her family around" Arthur added.

"I brought some stuff I downloaded off the Internet" Buster interrupted "I'm hoping Bart will want to hear about what the government is really doing with radio waves."

"Ever since you stopped believing in aliens and focused on government conspiracies, you've been less fun" Sue Ellen commented.

"I haven't stopped believing in aliens Sue Ellen" Buster explained "how else would I know the government has secretly stolen their technology to create a weapon capable of destroying Iran?"

Before the curly haired girl could utter a reply, Alan, Francine & Fern finally arrived.

"Pardon me for my tardiness, but I needed to pack some brain teasers to amuse me on the ride" Alan explained.

"And I needed to make sure Fern had everything she needed to take pictures."

"All ready to go chief" Fern told Francine.

"You don't have to call me 'chief'" Francine replied "on second thought, go ahead, I kind of like it."

"I hope you all have everything you need and took care of any bathroom business, 'cause I'm not coming back" Mr. Read said from the driver's seat.

After it was confirmed that things were go, the van pulled out of the driveway and headed down the street.

"I can't wait to see this Springfield place" Francine said "if all the people there are anything like Lisa & Bart this article will be my best one yet!"

"Just make sure you're properly supervised" Mr. Read interrupted "this city is new to all of you and there's no telling what kind of troubles you could face. Especially since you're only teenagers."

"Not to worry Mr. Read, Lisa's parents won't let anything happen to us" Francine replied.

"And I'll protect you Sue Ellen" Arthur said.

"Aww that's sweet" Sue Ellen replied "but you don't need to worry, I can handle myself."

"Oh, okay then" Arthur replied.

* * *

Meanwhile, at a familiar house, a teenage girl was filled with anticipation.

"I can't wait to see Sue Ellen and Arthur again" Lisa said.

Lisa still had her same hair and pearls, but now wore a pink shirt, blue jeans and white shoes.

"Mom, you made sure everything is clean, right?" she asked.

"Yes Lisa" replied Marge, who hadn't changed much in 5 years "I cleaned the bathroom, washed the kitchen floor, and even tidied up the stairs. The banisters are so clean you could eat off them, although I wouldn't recommend that."

"Relax Lis, your pals already know we live in a crap shack" Bart replied. Now a child of 15, Bart wore a blue short-sleeved jacket, a white tattered T-shirt, and blue shorts and tennis shoes.

"I can't relax Bart, I just want to make sure everything is perfect for their visit. Remember how much fun we had when we moved to their town briefly?"

"I don't remember much about that time" Bart said, straining his memory "although I do recall some lameass bunny superhero. Oh, and starting a food fight, which those babies did not appreciate."

"We have so much catching up to do" Lisa said, ignoring her brother "oh, what's taking her so long?"

Suddenly the doorbell rang. "I'll get it!" Lisa said with excitement as she ran to the door. "I'm so glad you're here, I've been waiting for what seemed like hours" she added, before she threw open the door.

"I knew you always liked me Lisa."

"Milhouse? What are you doing here?"

Like much of the Simpsons crew, Milhouse hadn't changed much over the last five years. He was still a dink, and still suffered embarrassing incidents and painful injuries on an around-the-clock basis. And of course, despite her being romantically attached, he still held a torch for Lisa.

He had dumped his light purple shirt in favor of a black one, but still wore his trademark red shorts.

"Bart invited me over to meet the freaks" Milhouse replied "are they here yet?"

"No, and they're not freaks" Lisa said "just because they resemble animals doesn't mean they should be treated any differently than you or I."

"I heard one of 'em was an anteater" Milhouse replied "so I brought over some ants for him." He pulled the plastic baggie of ants from his pocket and showed it to a disinterested Lisa.

Lisa sighed and just walked off as Milhouse came in to meet up with Bart.

"So when are the freaks getting here?"

"Soon I hope" Bart said "Lisa's been squirming around all day like somebody put a worm in her dress. Ooh, speaking of which, I need to remember to do that."

* * *

"Well kids we just passed the Elwood City limits" Mr. Read said "we should be in Springfield in about an hour."

"I'm so excited" said Alan "a new city to explore, new cultural institutions to partake of. I wonder if they have a science museum? They should, I don't see why a major city wouldn't."

"Sue Ellen, how could you not want me to protect you?" Arthur interrupted.

"Why are you making a big deal out of this?"

"Because, when you said that, it made me feel well…weak" Arthur replied "I mean, what does it say about me if I can't protect my own girlfriend and that she could save me from getting beaten up?"

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not some helpless damsel, I'm a black belt in karate" Sue Ellen replied "and I'm trained to handle armed and unarmed assailants. And if people think you're not strong, then they're fools, because to me, you're the strongest boy around."

"Awww" everyone but Mr. Read replied.

"I guess" Arthur said, although he still sounded unconvinced "anyway, tell me a little about Lisa's boyfriend."

"Well, his name's Colin and he's from Ireland" Sue Ellen said "and he plays a bunch of different instruments. Oh and she said his dad is a musician, but he's not Bono, so we shouldn't ask."

"The U2 guy?" Arthur asked, with Sue Ellen nodding in response.

"Is it all right if we ask if his dad is Angus Young?" Buster asked.

* * *

Soon the hour passed and the van pulled up in front of a familiar house.

"Now Arthur, if you have any problems, call me on your cell phone" Mr. Read instructed "and have fun, I'll see you when the weekend's over."

"Thanks dad, bye" Arthur said, waving as his dad pulled off.

After Mr. Read left, the kids went to the door and rang the doorbell.

"I hope it's them this time" Lisa said, jumping off the couch to get to the door. She threw it open and was greeted by a familiar face.

"Sue Ellen!"

"Lisa!"

Both girls quickly embraced. "Oh, I'm so glad you came to visit" Lisa said.

"I wouldn't have missed it for anything" Sue Ellen replied.

"Look at you, you've hardly changed at all" Lisa commented.

"I could say the same about you" Sue Ellen added.

"That's right, just keep hugging a little longer" Bart said from behind.

"Bart, are you filming us?" Lisa asked, breaking the embrace. She noticed Bart holding a handheld video camera on the both of them.

"I just need some new stuff for my website" Bart replied "and you're always a crowd pleaser. That clip of you in the shower had a lot of hits."

"Most of them were from me" Milhouse added.

"Hi Bart, good to see you again" Sue Ellen said, shaking Bart's hand.

"Nice to see you too, I guess" Bart replied "is the Art man with ya?"

"Of course" said Arthur, coming into view. He quickly came over to Bart and shook his hand.

"Artie man, this is my good buddy Milhouse Van Houten" Bart said, introducing the kid.

"Pleasure to meet you, Bart talked about you a lot."

"This is the kid you hung out with in that other city?" Milhouse asked "he's such a dweeb. I mean look at him, with his glasses and his big nose and…oh man!"

"Hey, hope we're not interrupting anything" Francine said, as she and Fern came in.

"Francine, what an… unexpected surprise" Lisa said "um, you do realize I had only invited Sue Ellen and Arthur right?"

"I'm sorry, I should've phoned ahead and told you we were bringing a few more" Sue Ellen said "but when I told them about your message, they were really excited to come, and I thought you'd like to see them too."

"It's not that I'm not glad to see them, I'm just not sure we've got enough room for them to sleep" Lisa explained.

"Not to worry sweetie, we'll find some space for your friends, if they don't mind sleeping in the basement" Marge said.

"Whatever you have will be fine Mrs. Simpson" Francine said.

"Glad to hear it" Marge replied "well, you kids talk amongst yourselves, I've still got some work to do. That toilet won't unclog itself."

"So Arthur, you like ants?" Milhouse asked.

"Not really" Arthur said "I prefer cake or ice cream."

"Ant flavored ice cream?"

"No."

"Okay, if you had some ice cream, and some ants crawled on it…"

"Drop the ant thing Milhouse" Bart said "come on Art man, let's go to my room and let the girls get caught up on their girlie crap."

"I get to come too right?" Milhouse asked, as he followed Bart and Arthur up the stairs.

"So, where's Colin?" Sue Ellen asked.

"He's putting the finishing touches on a care package we're sending to Darfur" Lisa explained "he should be over soon. I can't wait for you to meet him."

"Neither can I" Sue Ellen replied "in your e-mails, you described him as though he were a flawless, godlike figure."

"Meet him and then tell me he isn't one" Lisa replied.

* * *

Bart: I gotta say Art, It's good to be hanging out with ya again

Arthur: Thanks, I like hanging out with you too. Your friend Milhouse is really nice, although he seems a little obsessed with ants.

Bart: He's just never met a kid who looks like an aardvark before. Come to think of it, neither has anyone else in the city. Oh man, I can't wait to see what happens when you guys take a tour of the city.

Arthur: Sshh, that's not until later. In our next chapter, we hang out with Bart & Lisa.

Bart: Find out what cool crap we've been up to in the last five years. Oh, and Homeboy puts in an appearance, so, fair warning.

Arthur: And you know the drill.

Both: Read & Review!


	3. Rooms and Bored

Meanwhile, Bart had brought Arthur up to his room, and the aardvark boy was looking around.

"Nice room you have here" he commented.

"Eh, it gets me through the day" Bart responded "I was thinking of adding a slushee machine, but my parents thought it would be too messy."

"Wow, you have a computer in your room?" Arthur marveled "I wish my parents would let me have one."

"Yeah having a computer's great" Bart replied "you can use it for homework, looking at porn, signing your dad up to join clubs he doesn't want to be part of…I'm not saying you'd do that with it, but whatever."

"Didn't your parents put blocking software on your computer?" Milhouse asked.

"No one asked you to talk" Bart replied "hey Art man, wanna check out my website?"

"Sure, what's it about?"

"Basically, it's a series of humorous clips from my daily life" Bart explained "I call it 'Really Funny Crap'".

"Sounds great" Arthur replied, unsure.

"Here are some of the videos I've uploaded so far" Bart said "you can choose from 'shower sis', 'fat man and power drill', 'fat man on toilet' and, still a classic, 'stairway to hurting.'"

"I still don't think that one's all that funny, considering I'm the one who falls down the stairs" Milhouse commented.

"Yeah, well I've got 250,000 hits that say you're wrong" Bart replied.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the living room, Lisa was still talking to the females of the Elwood City group. Buster and Alan, bored of the conversation, wandered over to the couch to watch TV.

"Come on, I'll give you a grand tour of the house, starting with my room" Lisa said.

"I've already seen your house" Sue Ellen protested.

"Wrong, you saw a facsimile of my house" Lisa explained "and anyway, Francine & Fern haven't."

"Then lead on" Francine replied.

They headed up the stairs and made their way to Lisa's room, when a spiky-haired girl poked her head out from another door.

"Hey sis, you gonna introduce me to your friends?" Maggie asked.

"Of course" Lisa replied "this is Sue Ellen Armstrong, Francine Frensky & Fern Walters. Everyone, you remember my sister Maggie."

"Oh yeah, except she was a baby last time we saw her" Sue Ellen replied "she sure has grown up fast."

"Do I know you?" Maggie asked.

"Yes, we met them five years ago when we moved to Elwood City briefly, don't you remember?" Lisa asked.

"I remember another baby" Maggie said "but not much else. Well, a pleasure to see you again, I guess" she said and she closed the door.

"I'll catch her up later" Lisa said "in the meantime, welcome to my sanctuary."

* * *

As the kids toured the rooms, Homer came up from the basement and took a seat on the couch, only to notice its' new inhabitants.

"What the…? Who are you two and how'd you get in my house?"

"Relax Mr. Simpson, we're here to visit your daughter" Alan explained.

"Oh yeah? How do I know you're not thieves planning to steal my blu-ray player?" Homer asked.

"We're from Elwood City" Alan explained "Lisa invited our acquaintances Arthur & Sue Ellen to participate on a double-date with her and her boyfriend. However, we had such a marvelous time when we had previously interacted, that many of us wished to accompany said friends."

"Do you have any idea what he just said?" Homer asked Buster.

"Kinda, you learn to understand him after a while" Buster explained.

"Eh, good enough for me" Homer replied, as he flipped the channel.

"Twenty women vie for the chance to go out with a hapless stunt man in _Super Date for_ _Super Dave_, next on VH1: the home of washed-up celebrities."

"Ooh, sounds super" Homer commented.

"I can't believe I agreed to humiliate myself on this stupid show" Super Dave Osborne whined from the TV "I really wish I had invested my money better."

"It's okay Super, maybe this mean whole new career for you" Fuji added.

"What the hell are you even doing here?" Super Dave wondered "it was because I saddled myself to you that my career's in the toilet to begin with."

"He's a stuntman" Homer explained to the kids.

"What are you going to do with that bat, Super?" Fuji asked from the TV.

* * *

"Hey, I don't see the Pema I gave you anywhere" Sue Ellen commented as she scanned Lisa's room.

"Sadly, I lost that a few years ago" Lisa replied "Bart decided to use it for one of his rocket tests."

"This is all real fun and everything, but it's hardly news" Francine said "can't we explore your city now? I'm looking forward to doing a story on this city and the people who live here."

"I guess it would be okay if we went out" Lisa said "but we'll have to ask my mom first."

* * *

"All these clips are really, well 'funny' isn't the word" Arthur told Bart "but I was hoping for a little more."

"Okay, I'll give ya a grand tour of the city" Bart said "show you all the places that Bart Simpson likes to hang."

"Can I come too?" Milhouse asked.

"I think that was implied" Bart replied.

* * *

"Of course you can take your friends on a tour sweetie" Marge said "just be back before dinner. And don't go near the old Starbucks, I hear crackheads live there now."

"Okay mom" Lisa replied.

Just then, the doorbell rang "I'll get it!" Lisa said, hurrying to open it, and seeing a very welcome and familiar face behind it.

"Hi Lisa" Colin said "I'm all set with our care package. When my dad heard what we were doing, he couldn't contribute fast enough. He loves helping the less fortunate, and trying to show up Sting. Anyway, am I too late to meet your out-of-town friends?"

"Actually, we were just heading out" Lisa explained.

Meanwhile, at that very moment, Bart, Milhouse & Arthur were coming down the stairs.

"Oh great, **he's** here" Milhouse said with disdain.

"Who's here?" Arthur wondered.

"Just Lisa's tree hugging limey boyfriend" Bart said "let's blow this pop stand before they start making out."

"Colin, I'd like you to meet Francine Frenksy & Fern Walters" Lisa said, introducing the two girls to her left.

"Nice to meet you" Francine said, after shaking his hand.

"A pleasure."

"And this is Sue Ellen Armstrong" Lisa said, gesturing to the curly haired girl.

"I'm glad I could finally meet you" Sue Ellen said "Lisa talks about you all the time in her e-mails."

"She talks about you a lot too" Colin added "tell me, are all the girls in Elwood City as pretty as you?" he asked, before kissing her hand.

"I like him already" Sue Ellen replied blissfully.

"Hi, I'm Arthur, Sue Ellen's boyfriend" Arthur said, forcibly pushing himself between the two

"It's nice ta meet ya Arthur" Colin said, offering his hand for a handshake "Lisa speaks the world of you and Sue Ellen."

"She speaks the world of you too, from what I hear" Arthur replied "although she didn't mention anything about you kissing other girls' hands."

"I'm sorry if I offended ya by doing that" Colin said "I was just tryin' ta be polite, I didn't mean anything by it."

"It's okay Arthur, he was just being a gentleman" Sue Ellen agreed "you know, you could try kissing my hand once in a while."

"Okay, how about that trip through the city?" Lisa said quickly, hoping to prevent any fighting.

"Hey Lis', I don't know what girly crap you were planning to visit, but I'm taking Arthur and pals on a trip to the comic book store."

"Fine, but we need to meet up somewhere later" Lisa suggested.

"How about Krusty Burger?" Bart suggested.

"Forget it."

"Okay, how about the school playground?" Bart asked "it's closed for the weekend anyway."

"Sounds like a plan" Lisa said "we'll meet up at say, two o'clock? That will leave us plenty of time for lunch."

"All right, so long losers" Bart said, as he and the others headed out of the Simpsons' doorway.

"So Buster, how do you like Springfield so far?" Arthur asked.

"I can't judge the town yet, but I'm not a big fan of that Mr. Simpson" Buster replied.

Alan nodded "the man yells at his television for minor infractions. He even gets angry at infomercials."

"I'll show you Ginsu knives!" came Homer's voice from within.

* * *

Arthur: I have a feeling this next chapter is going to be the best yet!

Bart: Why do you say that?

Arthur: Because I get to the comic book store. I wonder if they have any _Bionic Bunny _comics?

Bart: I'm gonna guess no. But comics will be the least of your worries once you meet Comic Book Guy.

Arthur: Is he mean?

Bart: No, he's really nice. Or as nice as a cranky middle-aged dude who believes in superheroes can be, anyway.

Arthur: Does he give away free comics?

Bart (laughing) Free comics! Oh man, you're hysterical!

Arthur: Something tells me this will not be good.

Bart: You have no idea.

Arthur: While I prepare to meet this comic man, you fans out there don't forget to…

Both: Read & Review!


	4. Life in an Unknown town

Soon the two groups headed out for a tour of Springfield, with Bart leading his band toward the Android's Dungeon. Of course, a group of animal kids doesn't go unnoticed, even in a town like Springfield.

"Lisa, I don't like the way people are staring at us" Sue Ellen said. She watched as a number of Springfield citizens turned to look at the female animals as they headed down the street.

"You're just different, that's all" Lisa explained "trust me, everything will be fine."

"Duffman hopes this is just another alcohol-fueled hallucination. Oh yeah!" Duffman said, after watching the kids walk by.

The kids ignored the words of the soused superhero, while Fern snapped a picture of him.

"I don't know, I still don't feel like I'm getting the pulse of the city, you know?" Francine told Lisa

"Let's head to downtown" Lisa suggested "maybe seeing the town square will give you inspiration."

"Sounds like a plan" Sue Ellen replied "you know, outside of the people looking at us, I was actually hoping for something more exciting. Maybe I was just being…aaah!"

The girl screamed after someone grabbed her from behind and lifted her up. The others quickly attended to the plight of their friend, and noticed she was in the hands of a grey-haired, crazy looking woman.

"Let me go!" Sue Ellen shouted, but the Crazy Cat Lady just uttered some of her nonsensical gibberish.

"Put her down, she's not one of yours!" Lisa said, as she, Colin & Francine began to tug on Sue Ellen's legs. Crazy Cat Lady kept her grip on Sue Ellen's shirt, but the three kids succeeded in pulling the girl free of her grasp, then fled down the sidewalk with Fern in tow.

"Sorry about that, she loves cats" Lisa explained.

"I can see that" Sue Ellen replied "looks like I'll be getting some adventure after all. I just hope Arthur and the others are doing okay."

* * *

Of course, Arthur & his groups were getting similar stares and dealing with similar questions.

"Excuse me" Hans Moleman asked them "are you kids' animals?"

"Of course" Arthur replied.

"Oh goody, that means I don't have to go to the eye doctor" Moleman replied happily, as he walked off.

"No offense Bart, but the people in your city are way rude" Buster commented.

"None taken, I could've told ya that."

"Do people in Springfield always judge people that are different based on their looks?" Arthur wondered.

"Pretty much" Bart replied "we're a pretty judgmental town."

"How dare you say that!" replied Judge Snyder, who just happened to be walking by "I'll have you know I was deemed competent by noted psychiatrist Dr. Marvin Monroe."

"No man, I said 'judgmental'" Bart explained.

"Oh, carry on then" Judge Snyder replied.

* * *

Back with Lisa, she was still giving a grand tour of the city, but Francine was feeling more and more nervous.

"I'm feeling more and more nervous" Francine said "the people keep staring at us like we're some kind of freaks."

"They've just never seen people who look like animals before" Lisa explained "once they get to know you, I'm sure they'll like you as much as I do. Besides, this is a town where traffic stops over the smallest things."

Suddenly, a black stretch limo stopped next to where they were standing. A tinted window rolled down to reveal one of Springfield's greatest entertainers.

"Hey hey kids!" Krusty said "it's me, Krusty the clown!"

"Who?" Francine asked.

"You've obviously never watched TV kid" Krusty said "but how'd you like to be on it?"

"Really?" Francine wondered, recalling her brief appearance on _the Magic Toolbox. _

"Absolutely" Krusty said, coming out of his limo "you kids are just what my show needs. Uh, you have talent right?"

"Oh yes, I'm a very talented writer" Fern said.

"And I'm skilled in martial arts and foreign cultures" Sue Ellen added.

"And me, well, I'm sure you can see that I'm star material" Francine replied, flashing her biggest grin.

"Yeah, I can definitely use you" Krusty replied "you've got a unique look, and people respond to that. I mean, look at Jay Leno; the guy's got a chin the size of Texas, and NBC recently gave him a crapload of money. Meanwhile, they turned down my show 'cause I made fun of Howie Mandel. But come on, the guy looks like a James Bond villain, am I right?"

"So what do we have to do?" Francine asked.

"Basically you three are going to help me look good" Krusty explained. "That means taking the occasional pie and laughing at my jokes, like this one."

He pulled an index card from his pants pocket "You hear a lot of talk nowadays about people trying to stimulate the economy. My suggestion, give it some Viagra!" He looked at the three girls, who had no reaction "Viagra? Get it?"

"No" Sue Ellen replied.

"What do you know, that's a quality joke" Krusty replied "but I like your monkey pal, she knows an opportunity when she sees it."

"That is one of my skills" Francine replied proudly "along with singing and playing the drums."

"Oh brother" Lisa groaned.

"Actually, I have something else planned for you" Krusty explained "you can play Teeny's girlfriend."

Upon hearing that, Mr. Teeny, who was driving the limo, emitted some angry monkey chatter that roughly translated to _I could get a way hotter chick than her. _

"I'm not playing his girlfriend" Francine said "he can't even talk!"

_Oh, and you're such a prize? _Teeny responded in monkey chatter.

"I appreciate your interest in my friends, but they're only here for the weekend" Lisa explained "and anyway they have lots more town to see." So saying, Lisa and the others left.

"Looks like I'll need another act for my show" Krusty commented, as he watched the kids leave, "Mel, contact the Jonas Brothers."

"They don't want anything to do with you since you made light of Nick's diabetes" Sideshow Mel explained.

"Hey, they say laughter is supposed to be the best medicine" Krusty replied "well, if those humorless putzes can't take a joke, then to hell with 'em! What do they have that I don't, anyway?"

_Millions of dollars and adoring female fans _Teeny replied in his monkey way.

"Shut yer banana chute!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Arthur & crew finally made it to their destination.

"'The Android's Dungeon', interesting name" Arthur commented.

"The name may be kinda lame, but the place is a great hangout" Bart said, as he and the others wandered in. "Hey Comic Book Guy, what's happening?"

"Warner Brothers is trying to stop the release of the _Watchmen _movie" CBG replied "not that it matters, as I'm sure the movie will be hardly faithful to Moore's original work anyway. Would it kill Hollywood to accurately adapt an Alan Moore work, I ask you?! Anyway, what's with Captain Carrot and the Zoo Crew?"

"Did he call me a superhero?" Buster asked proudly.

"This is my pal Arthur and his friends from out of town" Bart explained "he's here to go on a double date with Lisa."

"Well since you are new here, I will explain to you the ground rules. Rule #1: If you rip it, you buy it. Rule #2: If you don't have the money to buy something, don't waste my time. And Rule #3: do not ask stupid questions."

"What do you define as a stupid question?" Buster asked.

"What did I just say?"

"Excuse me sir, do you carry any _Bionic Bunny _or _Dark Bunny _comics?" Arthur asked.

"Yes, I stock them alongside _Little Lulu, Little Dot, Richie Rich _and other comics for pre-schoolers" CBG replied sarcastically. "However, I can offer you the controversial _Bionic Bunny _mini-series, which completely revamped his origins and made him into a more violent hero. Worst re-imagining, ever."

"That's okay" Arthur replied.

"So, let me ask you this" CBG asked "are there more of your kind where you come from? And if so, do you come in peace?"

* * *

Arthur: I have to admit, that wasn't as bad as I thought.

Bart: The calm before the storm my man.

Arthur: What does that mean?

Bart: You'll find out. Anyway, next time, we meet up with Jimbo and his losers.

Arthur: Not to mention some of your other friends at the elementary school.

Bart: Does Artie get the crap kicked out of him? You'll have to read on to find out.

Arthur: Aren't you going to ask them to read and review?

Bart: Ehh, we've told 'em enough times.


	5. Fun with Ralph and Jimbo

Back on their tour of Springfield, Lisa's gang had encountered another Springfield celebrity, only this one wasn't interested in hiring them.

"Hello little animal kids, I am Rainer Wolfcastle. You probably remember me from the popular _McBain _movies, as well as my brief stint as governor of Ohio."

"I've never heard of you before" Sue Ellen commented.

"Surely you heard about my reforms in Ohio" Wolfcastle said "I successfully terminated health care and the elderly."

"You mean 'for the elderly', right?" Francine asked.

"You heard what I said."

"Ooh, look at the time, we've got to be on our way" Lisa said, as she and Colin quickly pushed the girls away from him.

"I don't mean to be rude Lisa, but this place is insane!" Francine shouted, as soon as they were out of earshot "I'm afraid to do my report on this town, because it might make everyone in Elwood City hate it too!"

"I'm sorry this tour hasn't gone quite the way you'd hoped" Lisa apologized "maybe things will get better when we get to the playground. You'll get a chance to meet my peers and learn everyone in this city isn't a crazy celebrity or mentally insane cat lover."

"I don't know what you're talking about Francine" Fern said "I love it here."

"What?!" Sue Ellen & Francine asked, amazed.

"Oh yes, this city is wonderful. There are so many colorful characters, it's like a Dickens book, but without the bleak economic outlook" Fern explained "I've never seen a city that still had an old-fashioned sea captain living there."

"Yarr, well I've never seen a little dog using a camera" Captain McCallister said, walking into view "now if you'll excuse me, I've got some whaling ta do."

"Fascinating" Fern replied, "ooh, and look at that guy over there, he's dressed like a bee!"

"Aye aye aye, es un perro con una camara!" Bumblebee Man said, moments before Fern snapped his picture.

"Fern does have a point, Springfield is home to a unique assortment of characters" Lisa commented "some of them may seem like broad stereotypes, others may not make sense at all, but our town embraces them all regardless. Perhaps there's a lesson in that."

"Except that people continue to stare at us" Francine replied "some lesson."

"Let's just go before Fern uses up all her film" Sue Ellen suggested.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the Android's Dungeon, Buster & Comic Book Guy were engaged in a highly intellectual debate.

"I think it's weird that _Iron Man _was so successful, and yet the hero isn't that well known" Buster told CBG.

"Untrue, he has been well known as a member of the Avengers, and has been a supporting player in Marvel comics for decades" CBG explained "now if you tried to make a movie about, say, Brother Power the Geek, that would be a tougher sell. However, I would see said movie in a heartbeat."

"Wow, you sure know a lot about comics" Buster said, in awe.

"I know a great deal about many subjects, ranging from comics to sci-fi" CBG explained "it is my life's work."

"Can anyone be a comic book guy, or does it take years of practice?" Buster asked.

"That depends how much time you commit to it" CBG replied.

"This is been fun, but if we don't motor to the playground, Lis is gonna be super pissed" Bart explained.

"It was nice to meet you Mr. Comic Book Guy" Arthur said "thank you for your, uh, informed discussions."

"Thank you for coming, it is not often I meet a hybrid of man and animal. Except for the time I saw a centaur in the bathroom of Comic-Con, but it turned out to merely be two people in costume. What a disappointment that was."

"Bye" Buster said, as they left "what a nice guy he was."

"All he did was ramble on about comic books for 25 minutes" Alan said "when he claimed he could name all the members of the X-Men, I wanted to slam my head against the wall."

"Why can't you appreciate comics Alan?" Buster asked.

"Because they're incredibly inaccurate. People don't get superpowers from cosmic radiation or a radioactive spider. All that would do is cause the person to develop cancer, or fry them to a crisp."

"Do me a favor" Bart told Alan "when we get to the playground, point that out to my pal Nelson."

"I'm always happy to share my intellect with others" Alan said "is this Nelson a fellow intellectual?"

"No, but I think you'll be 'hit' by his response."

"Why did you choose to emphasize the word 'hit' in your sentence, as if it were some type of play on words" Alan enquired.

"No reason."

* * *

Elsewhere, Lisa's group had arrived in the town square.

"There it is, the statue of Jebediah Springfield, our founder" Lisa told the others "of course, I learned he was an evil pirate who invented the identity to escape the law, but his myth is still inspiring."

"You're lucky to have a mythical founder like this" Colin said "in my old hometown, our founder was some guy who built the town just so he could have someplace to get drunk."

"At least he wasn't cranky like that Katzenellenbogen guy" Sue Ellen explained "we did a whole musical on him in third grade. Did you know he wanted the town to be called Elmwood?"

"Now this is what I'm talking about" Francine said happily "I can already see the headline: 'town actually founded by murderous pirate.'"

"Um Francine, only a few people know about the pirate thing…" Lisa began.

"So why not tell everyone else?" Francine asked "you told me that you hate it when the media lies to the people."

"That's true, but…"

"Fern, get some shots of the statue" Francine ordered "I want a big cover story on this when we get back."

"Right chief" Fern replied, snapping some pics of the Jebediah statue.

"You don't really think Francine will write that story, do you?" Lisa whispered to Sue Ellen.

"Not unless she finds a better one" Sue Ellen replied.

"Hey, how about we head to the playground now?" Lisa suggested "maybe some of my friends are there and I'd love for you to meet them."

"A human interest story? Count me in" Francine said "come on Fern."

"Whew, saved by journalistic curiosity" Lisa said "I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing."

* * *

While Bart and his crew made their way to Springfield Elementary, they were stopped on the street by a familiar trio.

"Hey Simpson, who are the lamewads?" Jimbo Jones asked.

"And how come they look all weird" Dolph wondered "are they mutants like those ninjas in the comics that are turtles?"

"They're just a couple of dudes from out of town" Bart explained "I'm just showing them around Springfield."

"They look like they belong in a petting zoo" Jimbo replied.

"Yeah, where little kids could pet them and give them that feed stuff that you have to pay a quarter for" Dolph added.

"I like to punch the goats at those things" Kearney added.

"Hey leave us alone!" Arthur said "how would you like it if we said that stuff about you?"

"Go ahead" Kearney replied.

"Okay, um…well you three look like you belong in a…um, ugly convention" Arthur replied weakly.

"That sucked butt" Jimbo said.

"Yeah what city do you come from, Lameslyvania?" Kearney asked.

"That doesn't make any sense" Alan replied.

"Your face doesn't make sense" Dolph retorted.

"Look Jimbo, I'm just taking the guys to Springfield elementary" Bart said "and before you ask, it wasn't my idea, it was Lisa's."

"Then maybe we'll join you" Jimbo replied.

"Yeah, we wanna see the looks on the faces of the other kids when they see these guys" Dolph explained "they'll be all 'aah weird animal kids!' or whatever."

"I don't like this Bart" Milhouse said, as they headed off, with the bullies following close behind "those guys are gonna pound us when they're done."

"Actually, my dear Milhouse, I've come up with a plan to keep that from happening" Bart said "and, if it works, should allow me the chance to show everyone that I can rule the school."

* * *

A few minutes later, Lisa's group appeared at the playground at Springfield elementary. A number of their classmates were there, using the playground equipment since the school was closed. Ralph was the first to notice them.

"Hi Lisa" he said "hi stuffed toys."

"Hey Ralph" Lisa said "these are my friends from out of town. Francine Frensky, Fern Walters, Sue Ellen Armstrong, meet Ralph Wiggum."

"Nice to meet you Ralph" Francine said, extending her hand out for a handshake.

"You're a monkey."

"And you're very observant" Francine said, shaking Ralph's hand anyway.

"Doggy!" Ralph said, happily clamping on to Fern's legs "can I take you home with me? You can sleep in my room, except if you make 'uh-oh' on the carpet."

"Aren't you darling?" Fern said "but I already have a family, I'm sorry."

"Your hair is like cotton candy" Ralph said to Sue Ellen "can I chew it?"

"Um, no."

"Okay" Ralph replied, and went off to go play.

"I'm sorry, Ralph's a little, well, 'special' is the nice word" Lisa began.

"That's okay, after all the crazy stuff we've seen, a kid like that is nothing" Francine said "come on, let's meet some of your other friends."

"They're not like Ralph, I promise" Lisa said.

"Thank goodness" Francine replied.

* * *

Soon Bart and the others arrived, with the bullies still in tow.

"Okay Milhouse, on my signal, run" Bart said.

"What's the signal?"

"When I say 'run'" Bart explained, before turning around to face the bullies "hey Jimbo, your mother is a well respected member of the community!"

"You'll pay for that Simpson!" Jimbo shouted, as he and the other bullies gave chase.

"Run now, head for Lisa" Bart ordered.

"You just described my favorite dream" Milhouse added.

"Why did you annoy those bullies?" Arthur asked, as he ran across the playground "now they're going to beat us up!"

"Trust me, I know what I'm doing" Bart said, before spying the girls "jackpot."

Quickly he rushed over to them "Lis you gotta help me, Jimbo and his goons saw Arthur and the others and they said they were going to beat them up" he said.

"They what?" Lisa asked.

Soon Arthur and the others rushed over, with Jimbo in hot pursuit.

"Those bullies are trying to beat us up!" he shouted.

"Not if I have anything to say about it" Sue Ellen replied.

Jimbo and his gang soon arrived, but found their way blocked by the girls. "Out of the way girls, we've got some pounding to administer to dorks"

"Jimbo, why do you always seek violence to solve your problems?" Lisa asked "have you learned nothing from the Middle East conflict?"

"Yeah, I learned what Hamas is" Jimbo said "now move it!"

"I don't want to hurt you, but if you three lay a finger on my friends, I will" Sue Ellen warned, taking a small step forward.

"Ooh, the little girl is threatening us" Dolph said mockingly "what are you going to do huh? Make us a doily or throw your Barbie at us?"

"Excellent use of female stereotypes" Kearney commented.

"I am giving you a chance to leave" Sue Ellen said "I suggest you take it."

"And I suggest you move your ugly face" Jimbo said.

"Make me."

"Usually, I don't hit girls" Jimbo explained, "but since you don't look like any girl I've ever seen, I'll make an exception."

He reared up his fist and sent it flying, only for Sue Ellen to catch it in mid-flight.

"Hi-ya!" she shouted, as she flipped Jimbo over on his back, while her friends watched in awe. The other kids on the playground, having heard the commotion, gathered nearby to watch.

"Uh-oh" Dolph said, before Sue Ellen chopped him in the gut, sending him to the ground in pain. Then she turned her attention to Kearney.

"I don't need this, I've got to pick up my kid from school anyway" he said, walking off. A recovered Jimbo & Dolph soon got up and limped after him.

"I'm sorry I had to do that, but I had no choice" Sue Ellen explained.

"Hey you three, spread the word" Bart shouted after them, "anybody who messes with Bart Simpson messes with my new friend here!"

"Bart, you didn't purposely goad those bullies into trying to pound you so you could get Sue Ellen to beat them up, did you?" Lisa asked, suspiciously.

"You wound me with your accusations sis" Bart said "you know how Jimbo and his flunkies are. It was just lucky that Sue Ellen was here."

"Lucky for you perhaps" Lisa replied, unconvinced.

"Yup, just good old luck" Bart said, ignoring the stare Lisa was giving him "now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go find Nelson."

Bart left, taking a reluctant Arthur in tow, while Sue Ellen turned to Lisa.

"Did Bart trick me into taking out those bullies?" she asked.

"I wouldn't doubt it, but you can yell at him later" Lisa said "right now, there's someone I'd like you to meet."

* * *

Bart: Man your girlfriend kicks ass. I don't know why you haven't taken advantage of that.

Arthur: Because Sue Ellen only uses her karate for defense, not to beat people up left and right.

Bart: All I know is, if I had a girlfriend who knew martial arts, I'd use her to bring the bullies to their knees.

Arthur: Well, that's one of the differences between us. I have a sense of ethics.

Bart: Hey I got ethics, but the bullies need to get theirs.

Arthur: Anyway, in the next chapter, I meet Bart's friend Nelson, who gives me a very unusual, and painful welcome.

Bart: And Lis introduces the girls to her pal Allison and her boy toy. I think you'll be very surprised who it is.

Arthur: Can I tell them?

Bart: Nah, I don't wanna spoil the surprise. Besides, I'm pretty sure they can figure it out.

Arthur: And you'll finally learn what Sue Ellen's job is.

Bart: So read and review, or I'll send her after you.

Arthur: He's just kidding folks.

Bart: No I'm not.


	6. Home is where the Hilarity is

Over in another section of the playground, Bart had brought Arthur over to meet his occasional pal, Nelson Muntz.

"Hey dingus, who's the camel kid?" Nelson asked.

"Actually, he's an aardvark" Bart said "and his name's Arthur Read. I met him when I moved away some years ago. Arthur, this is Nelson, he's kind of a bully, but he's also my friend."

"Nice ta meet ya dingus" Nelson said, before delivering a punch to Arthur's gut.

"Why did you do that?" Arthur asked, as he attempted to regain his breath.

"Sorry, but you look like a geek, and I gotta punch all geeks" Nelson explained.

"Actually, one of Arthur's buddies is a geek, that bear-looking kid over there" Bart explained, pointing to Alan, who was elsewhere on the playground with Buster.

"Excuse me fellas" Nelson said, as he headed off.

"Oh hello, can you—Gaaaah!" Alan's voice rang out, following a punch to his gut.

"Haw Haw!"

* * *

While Nelson was beating up the Elwood City boys, Lisa led the girls to the jungle gym, where a girl with long, brown hair was playing.

"Hi Lisa" the girl said, before peering over at the others "I take it one of you is Sue Ellen."

"That would be me."

"Everyone, I'd like you to meet Allison Taylor, my best friend in the whole world" Lisa said "Allison, this is Sue Ellen Armstrong, Francine Frensky & Fern Walters."

"Nice to meet you" Allison said, shaking their hands "Sue Ellen, Lisa's told me a lot about you, it's nice to finally meet you."

"You too, Lisa talks about you all the time in her e-mails" Sue Ellen replied "she's so lucky to have a friend like you."

"What are we, chopped liver?" Francine asked.

"Allison and her boyfriend usually go on double dates with me and Colin" Lisa explained.

"Where is your boyfriend?" Sue Ellen wondered.

"He's around here somewhere" Allison replied, scanning the playground "oh, there he is. Honey, come here and meet Lisa's new friends!" she called.

Within a few minutes, Allison's boyfriend headed over. He was a pudgy lad, with a childlike face and pink colored hair.

"This is my boyfriend, Martin Prince" Allison explained to the other girls "Martin, these are Lisa's friends from that Elwood City place."

"Salutations newcomers" Martin said "I am honored to welcome you to Springfield. And might I add, you are certainly unique looking."

"Are you sure he's a guy?" Francine asked.

"Yeah, he just has a girly sounding voice" Allison explained.

"A glandular problem, I assure you" Martin said "may I offer you ladies some processed cheese snacks?"

"Er, no thanks" Francine replied.

"So Sue Ellen, what do you do?" Allison asked.

"I work at Chicken Licken', this fast food place" Sue Ellen replied "and I hate it. I can't stand the food and sometimes they make me wear a hairnet. Have you ever tried putting all this hair under a hairnet? It's not easy, let me tell you."

"If you hate it, why don't you just quit?" Allison asked.

"I need the money" Sue Ellen explained "and the Elwood City job market isn't that great."

"Same with Springfield" Lisa added "my dad said he'd 'pull some strings' and get me a job at the nuclear plant, but there was no way I'd go for that. Luckily, I scored a job at the library. They've needed someone to organize things there for years, and it was a natural fit for me."

"Just like me" Fern said "I help Miss Turner out at the Elwood City library. It's really been helpful to my goal of becoming a published writer."

"I was asked to intern for Professor Frink but lost out to a fellow student" Martin said "but it has not made me bitter, oh no."

"Yes it has" Allison said "just yesterday you were plotting some kind of Machiavellian revenge on Database."

"What right does he have to take my dreams?" Martin asked "I'm the one with the 145 I.Q.; I should be the one using a particle accelerator! And so, like Ahab in _Moby Dick_, I shall wreak vengeance upon my proverbial white whale!"

"You'll have to excuse Martin, he's usually not swearing revenge on people" Allison explained to the others "in fact most of the time he's quite gentle. That's one of the reasons I fell for him."

"Enjoy your day my accursed rival, for when it concludes, my vengeance shall be unleashed upon you like Pandora's Box!"

"There are other reasons" Allison added.

Before anyone of the Elwood City girls could comment, a pair of identical-looking girls walked over.

"Hi, Lisa who are your new friends?" Sherri asked.

"These are some kids from out of town" Lisa began "there's…"

"They look like animals" Terri commented.

"Did you steal them from a zoo?" Sherri asked.

"I guess it's so tough for Lisa to make friends that she has to hang out with zoo animals" Terri added.

"That doesn't make any sense" Lisa said.

"Neither do your friends" Sherri replied.

"You think we look weird?" Francine asked "you two look exactly the same. How do you tell yourselves apart?"

"That's easy, we…" Sherri began "um, we…"

"What did you say Terri?" Allison asked mockingly.

"I'm Sherri!"

"Are you sure?" Francine asked.

"We have to go now" Sherri said, as she and her twin walked off.

"That was very clever Francine" Lisa said "I would've done the same thing myself."

"Yeah well, my dad says you can't solve all your problems with violence" Francine replied "but if they come back here again, I'll sock 'em!"

* * *

Soon, it got close to noon and Arthur & crew decided to head out for lunch.

"It's been a pleasure to meet you Nelson" Arthur said, extending his hand for a shake.

"Sorry, but I don't shake hands with nerds, my reputation and everything" Nelson explained "in fact, next time you come by, I'm gonna have to pound you."

"Good to know" Arthur replied, retreating his hand.

"Hey Lis, Art and crew wanna get some lunch, so quit yer yakking and let's get a snacking" Bart yelled.

"Well, I guess we should be on our way" Lisa told Allison.

"Well it was nice to meet all of you" Allison said.

"I concur" Martin added.

"You talk funny" Ralph said.

* * *

After leaving the playground at Springfield Elementary, our heroes stopped by Luigi's Pizza for lunch.

"Welcome-a to Luigi's, the best-a pizza in town, or at least-a the most expensive" Luigi greeted them "how can I-a help you?"

"We'd like two pizzas please" Lisa said "and one has to have all vegetarian toppings."

"For-a your friends, right?" Luigi asked.

"No, for me and my boyfriend" Lisa explained "they can have whatever they want on their pizza."

"Pepperoni!" Francine yelled.

"Ditto" Arthur replied.

"How big are these pizzas of yours?" Buster enquired "'cause I can eat a lot. And I mean a lot."

"Mamma mia!" Luigi cried "I just-a remembered, that I watched _Mamma Mia _on DVD last-a night. Now what can I get-a you?"

After placing their orders for one vegetarian pizza and one with the works, the kids sat down at a nearby table.

"So, is this place good?" Sue Ellen asked.

"It's a little pricey, but the food here is adequate" Lisa explained "Allison & I usually have lunch dates with our boyfriends here."

"Is this where we'll be going on our date?" Arthur wondered.

"Oh no, I have a much more intimate place in mind" Lisa said "this place is good for lunch, but romance, not so much."

"Hey Salvatore, there's these-a weird animal kids that-a just showed up" Luigi could be heard from inside the kitchen "I don't know whether to give-a them water or let 'em drink-a out of the toilet."

"For a number of reasons" Lisa continued.

* * *

After their pizza lunch, the kids decided to head back to the Simpson house for some R & R.

"I'm sorry about today, I know things didn't quite go how you expected" Lisa told the others, as they headed to the door.

"Well, it was different, but it wasn't any less fun" Arthur suggested.

"Yeah, I met a cool comic loving guy, and got to eat pizza" Buster said "that's a pretty full day for me."

"Right now, I'm looking forward to taking a nice rest, and maybe get our photos developed" Francine said "Fern took probably two whole rolls worth of shots."

"I couldn't help it" Fern replied, "this city is just filled with so many colorful characters. It would make a great setting for a novel."

"Yeah, you could call it, Lame Expectations" Bart suggested.

"Good one Bart."

"Go home Milhouse" Bart said.

"Okay, I'll sit by the phone and wait for you to call me" Milhouse said, as he rushed off.

"He's gonna be waiting a while" Bart said.

"I'd better go too, my dad will want me to give my opinion on his new lyrics" Colin said.

"Farewell my beloved" Lisa said "until we meet again" and she kissed him.

After they came apart, the Irish boy headed down the Simpsons' pathway towards the sidewalk.

"I'll call you" he called to Lisa as he ran off.

"I'll be waiting!" Lisa called back.

"Can we cut out this mushy stuff before I become violently ill?" Bart asked.

Lisa glared at him, and then opened the door. "Mom, we're home!" she called out, as she Bart, and the others made their way into the house.

"Hi kids, how was your tour of the city?" Marge asked.

"Everyone looked at us like we were freaks" Francine replied.

"Well, they're just not used to you yet" Marge explained "once they get to know you, I'm sure they'll realize what nice kids you are."

"Have you seen the Ben Gay? I need it to…" Abraham Simpson began, as he walked into the room. Then he noticed Arthur and friends "aaah, death!"

"That's not death Grandpa, it's just my friends from Elwood City" Lisa explained.

"Sorry kiddies, your weird animal costumes threw me for a minute there" Grandpa replied.

"These aren't costumes sir, this is how we normally look" Alan explained.

"What the? Animal people?" Grandpa exclaimed "that's disgusting! If animals and people were meant to breed with each other, Charles Darwin never would've founded Planned Parenthood. And to think, I fought in Vietnam to stop this kind of degenerate behavior!"

"Grandpa, you were never in Vietnam" Lisa explained "you told us you fooled the draft people by acting crazy."

"I don't remember that" Grandpa said, "though come to think of it, I don't remember much of anything." Then he stared at the kids again "hi kiddies, you must be friends of Lisa. The name's Abraham Simpson, nice to meet ya", he added, extending his hand.

"But didn't he just…?" Francine began, but Lisa nodded her head to urge her not to press the issue.

"Nice to meet you sir, my name is Sue Ellen" the girl replied, shaking Grandpa's hand.

"I knew a Sue Ellen once" Grandpa said "used to be a dancer for the USO, till that accident in Morocco. She spent the rest of the war in an iron lung, or as we called it back then, 'a tin coffin'."

"Well, we have to go now grandpa…" Lisa began.

"Hold on, maybe your new pals would like to hear some of my stories" Grandpa said.

"They really don't…"

"I'd like to" Buster said "my grandpa tells me really fun stories of when he was a kid."

"Take a seat long ears, and I'll regale you with tales of the past" Grandpa said, sitting down in the chair.

"Come on Buster" Arthur said.

"Shh, I wanna hear this" Buster said.

"Come on, we've lost him" Bart said, dragging Arthur off.

* * *

Arthur: Your grandpa seems a little…

Bart: Nutso?

Arthur: That wasn't the term I'd use, but okay.

Bart: Yeah his mind isn't quite all there anymore. It's best to just smile and pretend you hear him.

Arthur: Thanks for the advice. Next time, we settle in for a sleepover, unaware that someone in Springfield has it in for us.

Bart: And Maggie reveals her instrument skills, yawn.

Arthur: You know the deal regarding the reviews and such.

Bart: Yeah, don't make us remind you.


	7. Bedtime Blahs

(Let me set the record straight on something. I had heard from an unknown source, (cough Wikipedia, cough), that Colin and Plopper the pig would be carried over into the _Simpsons _TV series proper following the movie. Obviously, that did not happen (although Plopper has made a few cameos), but when I wrote my "Simpsons vs. Arthur" story, I wrote it as though the prior info was correct. And since I'm too lazy to go back and change it, or come up with a new boyfriend for Lisa, there you go. Anyone who has a problem is free to write their own stories where Lisa can date whomever she wants, be it Nelson or George Clooney. Now back to the story).

* * *

The rest of the kids played upstairs until it was time for dinner.

"You really should listen to Lisa's grandpa Arthur, he has great stories" Buster said "he told me about how he fought these huge aliens and that he was able to kill them by sneezing on them."

"That sounds a lot like _War of the Worlds_" Arthur commented.

"That's what I thought. He said that H.G. Wells borrowed the story from him, but changed it a little."

"I wouldn't take my grandpa's stories at face value" Lisa told Buster, as she got to her seat "the years have reduced his mind to a fine mush."

"Sometimes it's hard to tell the crap from the truth" Bart added.

"I hope you're all hungry, 'cause I made vegetable lasagna, along with regular lasagna"" Marge said, bringing in the dishes.

"It looks delicious Mrs. Simpson" Arthur commented.

"You guys better take your pieces" Buster said "I can't promise there'll be any left."

"So Arthur, how's your sister Kate?" Maggie asked.

"Not too bad, she just started kindergarten" Arthur explained.

"I hate kindergarten" Maggie replied "it's not challenging enough. I don't know how many more finger paints I can do before it loses all meaning."

"Finger painting doesn't have meaning, it's just fun" Buster added.

"I've been teaching Maggie to play the trumpet" Lisa added "she's getting really good at it."

"Dad wanted me to play triangle, but Lisa wanted me to play something we could duet with" Maggie explained.

"Hey don't knock the triangle, your old man played triangle and was pretty damn good at it."

"Good at it?" Grandpa said "you couldn't hit that thing to save your life. That was almost as big a waste of my money as my Mapple stock."

"Since you kids are spending the night some of you will have to sleep in our children's rooms" Marge said "the rest of you can sleep in the basement. Homer, make you sure you clean it out, okay?"

"Sure thing Marge" Homer replied, between bites of lasagna.

"We really appreciate your hospitality Mrs. Simpson" Fern said.

"Well you're guests here" Marge said "you deserve to be treated nicely."

"You never treat Milhouse this nice when he visits" Bart said "a few days ago Homer tried to lock the door on him."

"I told you, I thought he was a burglar" Homer said "you should be thankful we don't have a gun or that little wiener would be in nerd heaven. Heh heh, nerd heaven, that's a good one. I bet all the angels have little pocket protectors and are all 'ooh, I'm a nerdy angel. I have wings and like to watch sci-fi.'"

"If you like Sue Ellen, you can sleep in my room" Lisa said, "then you, I, and Maggie can jam together."

"Thanks Lisa."

"And Arthur can bunk with me" Bart said "but not the other two 'cause I don't have the room. And I kinda don't like 'em."

"Why not? I like you" Buster replied.

"I could go either way" Alan added.

* * *

Night soon came and the kids amused themselves with various activities. Francine, Fern & Buster headed downstairs to set up their sleeping bags. Within minutes, Francine rushed up to the den, where Homer, Marge & Grandpa sat on the couch.

"I don't mean to complain, but did you know there's a pig down there?" Francine asked.

"Duh, that's where he sleeps, genius" Homer replied "jeez, and you're in 8th grade already?"

"Homer, I thought you were going to move Plopper" Marge said.

"But Marge, he likes it down there!"

"I don't care, our guests are sleeping down there and I don't think they want to share the room with a pig. Now move him mister."

"Okay" Homer said, getting up and heading downstairs.

"What's the big deal?" Grandpa asked "when I was young, I used to sleep with pigs all the time. And not just pigs, cows, hens, even horses. Course, it could've been 'cause I was living in my barn, on account of the Depression. Damn Herbert Hoover!"

"I'll just go now" Francine said.

"I think that's best" Marge replied.

* * *

Meanwhile, up in Lisa's room, she, Sue Ellen and Maggie were jamming away, much to the disgust of Bart.

"Hey Arthur, wanna help me bust up Lisa's little jazz party?" he asked.

"I probably shouldn't, seeing as how my girlfriend is part of said party" Arthur replied "and I don't want her to break up with me. Or kill me."

"I get ya" Bart said "oh by the way, wanna listen to some Devo? Maybe the song 'Whip It?', like a certain boy I know."

"I'm not whipped, Sue Ellen and I have an equal relationship."

"Pfft, please, she walks all over you like a doormat. Maybe that's what I'll call you from now on, 'doormat.' Hi doormat, what's shaking?"

"What kind of prank did you have in mind?" Arthur asked.

* * *

"Another excellent set girls" Lisa said, after they finished "you're coming along quite well on the trumpet Maggie. I guess my teaching is paying off."

"I don't know what it is, but I really feel a connection to this thing" Maggie said, before she began to suck on the valve.

"Uh, is she…?" Sue Ellen wondered.

"She's fine" Lisa replied "she does that sometimes. It relaxes her, much like playing the sax does for…hey!"

The girl shouted after several water balloons were tossed at her and Sue Ellen. Lisa didn't need to look forward to know who the culprit was.

"Bart!"

"What's the matter Lis, your performance all washed up?" Bart asked, before laughing "oh man, that's still classic."

"Real mature Bart, using water balloons" Lisa commented "what are you, ten?"

"I used to be."

It was then that Sue Ellen spied somebody else in the doorway "Arthur?"

"Hi."

"I can't believe you'd do this. Throwing water balloons is so unlike you."

"I'm really sorry, but Bart goaded me into it."

"Don't tell her that!" Bart said "man, you are a wuss."

"I am not!"

"You two are going to pay for this" Lisa said "wouldn't you agree Sue Ellen?"

"Oh yes."

"What are you going to do, bore us to death with your lameass music?" Bart asked.

"No, I have something else in mind" Lisa said, pulling a pillow off her bed "Sue Ellen, would you join me?"

"Absolutely" Sue Ellen replied, with Lisa then rushing at the boys with the pillow.

"Run for it, mad sister!" Bart yelled, as he ran to his room, hoping to avoid Lisa.

"I'll get ya Bart!" Lisa said playfully.

"You'll have to catch me first!" Bart yelled.

From the living room the parents could hear all the commotion.

"Isn't it nice that our kids are playing so well together Homie?" Marge asked.

"I guess, as long as they're not playing any stupid jazz"

* * *

Lisa & Sue Ellen eventually got even on the boys by cornering them in Bart's room and tickling them mercilessly, with some help from Francine, who was informed of what happened. However, bedtime soon neared and everyone prepared to slumber.

In another part of Springfield, however, there were people that were still very much awake. One of them, Frankie the Squealer, made his way to the Legitimate Businessman's Social Club, the front for Springfield's mob activities.

"Ah, Frankie the Squealer, my least favorite person in the city" Fat Tony replied upon seeing him "I am hoping you are here for something that won't result in me whacking you."

"I got some real big news Fat Tony" Frankie explained "there's these animal kids in town."

"Are they animal kids, as in, the offspring of an animal, or as in, kids that look like animals?"

"The second one."

"Interesting" Fat Tony mused "if they prove to be real, they could be a huge asset. We could sell them to a circus; they like freaks, and always seem to have tons of money on hand. And anyway, it has to be better than our current plan; the sale of women to foreign hostels."

He gestured to a corner of the building, where a tied up Lindsay Naegle & Cookie Kwan sat.

"'Let's get mob boyfriends' you said. 'They're rich and successful' you said" Cookie said curtly "real nice job, now we're going to be tortured by European wackos!"

"Actually, the hostel you are being shipped to is in need of women to satisfy their sexual desires" Fat Tony explained.

"Oh, well that's much better" Lindsay replied.

"Why you not say that earlier?" Cookie added.

* * *

Bart: I just thought of something. Homer could totally take whatever the _Hostel _freaks threw at him. I mean, this is a guy who suffers a number of potentially life-threatening injuries on an almost daily basis. A drill to the face or other sick torture wouldn't bother him one bit.

Arthur: That is a good point.

Bart: Seriously, if there's another _Hostel _movie, my dad needs to star.

Homer: I'll Hostel you! (starts strangling Bart).

Arthur: While my colleague is gasping for air, let me tell you what happens next. The mob makes their move against us and one of us is captured. Who is it? You'll have to read to find out.

Homer: Read? Screw that!


	8. Mob Ties or Tied by the Mob

The next day the gang got up for breakfast, and Sue Ellen was as excited as ever.

"I can't believe today's the day!" she said "our double date!"

"Take it easy, it's not for a few hours yet" Lisa said.

"I'm sorry, but I've really been looking forward to it" Sue Ellen said "it is the main reason we came, after all."

"And while you and Arthur are on your little date, what are we supposed to do?" Francine asked.

"There are plenty of things you can do" Lisa said "you could go down to the Aztec and catch a movie. Or, if you wanted, I could show you our ice cream place."

"Oooh, I wanna do the second one!" Buster said.

"I'd rather tour more of the city" Fern said "I feel like I only got to see a cross-section of those who inhabit it."

"We might be able to squeeze that in" Lisa said "it is only 7 in the morning, and our date isn't until dinner time."

"Good, 'cause I'm doing a whole edition on this city, and so far I only have a few stories for my paper" Francine explained.

"Francine, you should do one on local ice cream flavors" Buster suggested.

"That's the reason why you're not a journalist Buster" Francine said "you don't know a good scoop when you see it."

"I know a good ice cream scoop."

"He's got you there Francine" Bart replied.

"Shut up."

* * *

So the kids set out on another trip of the town. Little did they know, that this time, they would run into trouble with a very serious foe.

"Okay boys, keep an eye out for these kids" Fat Tony instructed his henchmen, as they drove around town in his limo.

"What do they look like boss?" Louie asked.

"Animals. If you see any kids that look like animals, that's probably them" Fat Tony replied.

"Not ta worry boss, they won't escape us" Louie replied "in this city, kids like that will stick out like an FBI snitch at a Mafia meeting."

"You need to work on your similes" Fat Tony told him.

Meanwhile, having taken Lisa's suggestion, the kids headed to Phineas Q. Butterfait's Ice Cream Emporium for some ice cream.

"Is it just me, or is the town barren?" Francine asked "there doesn't appear to be anyone here."

"That is a bit odd" Lisa commented "there are at least a few people roaming the streets, especially at this hour."

"I'll bet they've all been abducted and replaced by clones as part of a plan to repopulate the Earth" Buster said.

"I thought I pointed out to you the impossibilities of human cloning" Alan said "the technology to do so is years away."

"That's what the government wants you to believe" Buster said "in reality, they're cloning people left and right. You know Tom Brokaw? He's been cloned dozens of times; that's why he's always on TV."

"Could they make a clone of you that shuts up?" Bart asked.

"Take some shots of some of the buildings Fern" Francine ordered "just to show the readers back at home what kind of businesses are here."

"Okay, but I was really hoping to photograph more of these exotic citizens" Fern said "I wonder where they could be."

* * *

Fern didn't know it, but most of the citizens of Springfield were at the town hall, in a hastily called town meeting.

"People of Springfield" Mayor Quimby addressed them "I have called this meeting to address the er ah, recent problem that has been brought to my attention; animal-like people that have been seen roaming Springfield. To comment further on this subject is Professor John Frink."

"Ng'hey, thank you Mr. mayor" said Frink, taking the stage "I know many of you assume these animal people are my doing, but I can assure you, I have not been developing any animal human hybrids, like in that Jeff Goldblum movie _the Fly_."

The crowd sighed in relief.

"Indeed, my recent project has been the creation of a breed of super soldiers that will take over combat missions in Iraq & Afghanistan. They are being bred to be faster, tougher, and smarter than most humans, which almost certainly means they will eventually turn on us, with the armed rebellion, and the Orwellian society and the Big Brother and so forth."

"Thank you Professor" Quimby said, upon re-taking the stage "I will now take suggestions from helpful weirdoes on how to deal with this new threat."

"When my critters act up, I takes 'em out ta the farmhouse and sets 'em straight" Cletus said "then I make 'em into dinner."

"I say we kill 'em all, then storm the banks and take back our money" Moe suggested.

"How does that help us get rid of the animal people?" Principal Skinner asked.

"What animals?" Moe said "I thought we was talking about how ta deal with stockbrokers."

"Ach, ya bunch of weak willed gobsmacks!" Groundskeeper Willie said "ya let Willie at these animals, and I'll turn 'em into food for ya I will."

"The police are prepared to use everything in our arsenal to drive these creatures back where they came from" Chief Wiggum said "including all our SWAT vehicles."

"Uh chief, I think that's a little excessive" Lou commented.

"This is America Lou, we were founded on excess" Wiggum explained "we could use the A-Bomb to take out drug punks if we wanted to."

"Hey, man, what did drugs ever do to you?" Otto Mann asked.

* * *

Back on the streets of Springfield, Fat Tony and his goons had spotted their quarry, and were in hot pursuit.

"Look, another limousine" Fern pointed out to her friends.

"I hope it's that clown again" Francine said.

"Or it could be a government black ops team" Buster added.

The gangsters' limo pulled up alongside the motley crew of kids.

"Changed your mind about having me on the show huh?" Francine said "I knew you'd see my natural talent eventually."

The door to the limo opened and Fat Tony and his goons stepped out.

"Uh oh" Lisa said.

"Who are they?" Sue Ellen asked her.

"I am simply a local businessman with an interesting proposition for you" Fat Tony explained "come with me and I shall explain it further."

"Sorry, but my mom says I'm not supposed to talk to, or accept a ride from, strangers" Fern replied.

"I am afraid my offer is non-negotiable" Fat Tony said, snapping his fingers. Instantly, his men produced their guns.

"Now Fat Tony, I'm sure we can work this…RUN!" Lisa shouted, as she and the kids took off down the street.

"After them, but do not kill any of them, they are our meal ticket" Fat Tony explained to his men.

"Guns, they had guns!" Francine shouted "I've never even seen a gun before!"

"Well if you don't run faster, you'll be seeing a whole bunch of them!" Lisa replied.

"Let's cut through an alley and lose them" Bart suggested.

"Statistically speaking, there's a 65% chance that said alley could be a dead end" Alan said.

"Yeah, well there's a 100% chance that we'll be dead if we don't try something!" Sue Ellen yelled.

"An alley it is" Lisa said "on my mark, we'll head down the next one. Ready, set…go!"

The kids quickly ran down a nearby alley, which thankfully was not blocked.

"Looks like your calculations were wrong" Francine said to Alan smugly "we'll lose those jerks no problem."

Suddenly, Fat Tony's limo pulled in front of the exit, blocking their escape.

"Or not."

The kids tried to reverse direction, but were confronted by a pistol packing Louie and Legs.

"This town is 'so' getting a bad review in the Frensky Star" Francine commented.

"If you live to write it" Fern added.

"Now then, as I was saying" Fat Tony said, emerging from his limo "my offer is non-negotiable."

"In that case, we'd be glad to listen to you" Arthur said nervously.

* * *

Soon, all the kids were in the back of the limo, their hands secured with plastic zip ties.

"Look Fat Tony, you clearly want the animal freaks" Bart said "let me and Lisa go and we'll forget this whole thing ever happened."

"I cannot do that" Fat Tony replied.

"Come on, I thought we were tight" Bart said "remember when I helped mix drinks for you? Or when me and my dad subbed for you when you got shot?"

"It is true, I do owe you" Fat Tony said "and the Mafia always honor their debts. Alright boys, let the two Simpson kids go."

The limo pulled over and Bart & Lisa were cut free, then set outside.

"This now squares our debt" Fat Tony explained "if you attempt to rescue your animal friends, I will not be so kind when next our paths cross."

"Not to worry Fat Tony, we don't even like those losers" Bart replied.

"It saddens me to see a young man turn on his friends" Fat Tony said "but, the money I shall make will hopefully cheer me up. Off we go boys."

As the limo pulled away, Lisa turned to face her brother.

"Bart, how could you?!" she asked angrily "Arthur and the others are our friends and you're just going to leave them in the hands of Fat Tony? You've done a lot of rotten things in your life, but…"

"Knock it off Lis, I'm not abandoning them" Bart explained "I just needed Fat Tony to let us go so we could mount a rescue mission."

"You mean you'd take on the mob to rescue some friends from out of town that you hardly see?"

"Sure, why not" Bart said "but don't tell Nelson, 'cause I don't want him thinking I'm a wuss."

"He already does."

"Oh yeah. Anyway, I've got a plan, but we'll need some of our friends to carry it out."

"I just hope Arthur and the others can hold out that long" Lisa said, worried.

* * *

Back in Fat Tony's limo, the Elwood City kids were trying to figure out their next move.

"Okay, does anyone have a plan?" Francine whispered.

"Why are we whispering?" Buster asked in a whisper.

"So the gangsters won't hear us" Sue Ellen explained.

"They're five inches away, I think they can hear what we're saying" Alan chided.

"Would you kids quit whispering whatever it is you are talking about" Fat Tony interrupted "there will be plenty of time for talking in your new home at the zoo."

"Zoo? Forget that!" Francine shouted "we're not going to be some performing animals in a cage!"

"Oh, but you will" Fat Tony said "for you see, there is nothing you can do to stop it."

"Please mister gangster sir, we'd be terrible in the zoo!" Buster whined "I don't have any talents!"

"That's not true, you can eat more than anyone I know" Arthur told his friend.

"That's not a talent, it's just gross" Francine retorted.

"So is your face" Buster shot back.

"You'd better be thankful my hands are tied!" Francine shouted "'cause if they weren't, I'd…!"

"Knock it off!" Fat Tony instructed "no more of your pointless arguing."

"This is the end you guys!" Buster whined, "it's all over for us. There's no hope!"

"Quit whining" Sue Ellen said "there has to be a way out of this."

"See guys, Sue Ellen has faith" Arthur said.

"Right, because I'm not scared" Sue Ellen said "even though we're captives of dangerous men with guns, who have used them before, and could use them again and….oh Arthur, hold me!" the girl shouted, throwing herself into Arthur's chest.

"When Sue Ellen loses it, that means we're totally boned" Francine replied, rolling her eyes at her friend's display.

* * *

It took about ten minutes, but Bart & Lisa had managed to assemble a team of their friends, including Milhouse, Colin, Martin, Ralph, Nelson, & Lewis.

"Thank you for agreeing to help us" Lisa told them "I know it will be dangerous."

"I'd fight a million Mafia guys for you Lisa" Milhouse said "even the ones from _the Sopranos, _although my mom won't let me watch it…"

"Thank you Milhouse" Lisa said "all right, you all know your parts, so let's get ready."

"Tis a noble endeavor we embark on" Martin said "to rescue foreign allies from a well-armed and dangerous foe."

"Knock off the wiener talk" Nelson said, delivering a punch to Martin's gut.

"My diaphragm!" Martin groaned, as he clutched his chest and fell down.

"Haw Haw!"

* * *

Arthur: So far, the trip is turning out to be the most exciting one of my life. Before this, the only gangsters I'd ever seen were on _the Altos_.

Bart: Are you telling me there's no Mafia in Elwood City?

Arthur: Yup. At least, I think not. Sometimes there are these shady looking guys that hang out downtown, but I've never seen them do anything illegal.

Bart: Duh, that's the mob's specialty, covering up illegal deeds.

Arthur: No, I'm pretty sure they weren't Mafia guys. I mean, okay, they were Italian, and they wore fancy suits, and seemed to have a lot of money to burn, but that doesn't mean anything. They could just be local businessman.

Bart: Did ya ever hear them say anything like 'fuggedabouit' or 'over here?'

Arthur: I think so.

Bart: I hate to tell you this, but you've got a mob. Now how about telling the folks what's next?

Arthur: Gladly. In the next chapter, Bart & Lisa launch their attempt to rescue me and the others.

Bart: The question is, does it work? Also, one of my dad's least favorite people makes an appearance. And it ain't Madonna.

Arthur: So read and review.


	9. Fun with Flanders

A few minutes later, the kids saw Fat Tony's limo heading down the road. They quickly hid in a nearby alley.

"Okay you two know what to do" Bart said to Ralph & Milhouse. Both boys were dressed in animal costumes; Milhouse as a rabbit, and Ralph as a dog.

"Uh, this isn't gonna be dangerous, is it?" Milhouse asked.

"You should've asked that before you agreed to do this" Bart said "now get ready."

Milhouse and Ralph said little as they put on the heads of their animal costumes.

"Aaah, it's dark in here!" Ralph said.

"Lisa, if I don't make it, I just want you to know that I love you" Milhouse said.

"I already know that" Lisa replied, "you tell me that every opportunity you get."

Fat Tony's limo stopped at a nearby stoplight and the two kids emerged from the alley.

"Hey Fat Tony, check it out, we're some animal kids you missed for some reason" Milhouse shouted.

"Moo" Ralph added.

"Hey boss look, we missed two of 'em" Louie said, pointing to the costumed kids.

"Hmm, they are a little shabby looking, but they should fetch a nice price" Fat Tony said "especially that mooing dog. Boys, capture them."

Legs & Johnny Tightlips emerged from the backseat and gave chase, with Milhouse and Ralph heading off down the street. Seeing that part one of the plan was working, Lisa gave a signal to Nelson and Martin, who were across the street.

"Okay, there's the signal, let's do this dingus" Nelson said, observing Lisa through binoculars.

"May I have my binoculars back, please?"

"No."

* * *

"That stoplight Martin rigged isn't going to stay red forever" Lisa said, as she the others looked on from the alley.

"Relax, I once saw Nelson strip a car in 30 seconds" Bart replied "he's up for it."

Nelson crawled low to the ground and, using a tire iron, removed the lugnuts from one of the wheels of the limo. The vehicle tilted, which those inside could feel.

"What the heck was that?" Francine asked.

"If I had to guess, I'd surmise that the car has tilted to one side, due to a tire being removed" Alan replied.

Seeing that Nelson had the tire, Martin, allowed the stoplight to turn green.

"Finally" Fat Tony said "let us hope there are no further delays."

As the limo attempted to move forward, the screeching of metal against asphalt could be heard. Louie peered out his window and noticed the missing tire.

"Hey boss, somebody stole one of our tires!"

"Who would do such a thing?"

"Haw haw, you're missing a tire" Nelson said from across the street. Both mobsters noticed him holding it in his hands, and dancing with it.

"It appears that local bully has purloined our wheel" Fat Tony said "let us show him what happens to those who steal from the Mafia."

Both men emerged from the limo and headed towards Nelson, who ran down the street as fast as he could.

"Well, now that the gangsters are gone, we can come up with a plan to get out of here" Alan said "any suggestions?"

"No need dude, we already got you covered" said a familiar voice.

"Bart Simpson!" Francine exclaimed, seeing him in the doorway "you have some nerve coming back here after what you did to us, you traitor!"

"It's okay, Bart was only pretending he didn't like you" Lisa explained "it was part of his plan to rescue you."

"Really?" Arthur asked.

"I'm here ain't I?" Bart said "now let's get you guys out of here before Fat Tony gets back.

"I'm sorry I called you a traitor" Francine said, as Colin helped her out of the limo.

"Eh no problem, I called you way worse."

* * *

Elsewhere in Springfield, Milhouse and Ralph were keeping half of the mobsters on the run.

"Did Bart say how long we have to do this?" a tired Milhouse asked "because it's getting really hot running in this suit."

"I'm a dog" Ralph replied happily "woof woof, baa."

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm just gonna take a little rest" Milhouse said, stopping "oh man, I can't believe I agreed to do this. Bart better give me those pictures of Lisa he promised me for…" the boy was cut off as the mobsters caught up to him and tackled him to the ground.

"Got ya!" Johnny Tightlips said "you're coming with us."

"No, you don't understand, we're not really animals!" Milhouse shouted.

"This one's resisting" Legs said "better knock some sense into him."

Both mobsters then began to pistol whip the bunny suited boy.

"Ow, please stop!" Milhouse whined "I didn't agree to this!"

"My daddy does that to people who break the law" Ralph commented.

"Hold on a minute, how come this kid's lips ain't moving when he talks?" Johnny Tightlips asked.

"He's a ventriloquist?" Legs suggested.

Johnny tugged at the costume's ear, until the fake head came away, revealing a battered Milhouse.

"He's a fake!"

"Then that means…" Legs said, pulling the head off Ralph.

"Yay, I can see again! Thanks mister!"

"We've been punked!" Johnny exclaimed.

"Is that show even still on the air?" Legs questioned.

* * *

Back at Fat Tony's limo, Bart and friends were working on freeing the Elwood city kids from their bonds.

"Hang on, we'll have you all free in no time" Lisa said, as she went to work snipping the plastic ties "I hope the others are okay."

"They'll be fine" Bart replied.

"And if they really get in trouble, they can always use the skills of the street, like me" Lewis said "word."

"You'll have to excuse Lewis" Bart explained to Arthur "he's been looking for an identity to make himself stand out. This week, he's a rapper. Last week he was Jamaican, and the week before that, he acted like Chris Rock. Man, I thought Skinner was going to have a heart attack."

"Can we quit yakking and go?" Francine asked impatiently.

"What, you got a hot date with Mr. Teeny or something?" Bart asked mockingly "hang on sister, we're almost done."

"Oh, you're done all right" Legs's voice came from behind.

The kids turned and saw the two gangsters with their guns drawn, standing nearby.

"That was a clever little ruse you pulled" Johnny said "too bad your nerdy pal got tired."

"Man, I knew Milhouse would screw this up" Bart said "look fellas, I'm sure we can come to some kind of…" he stopped as Johnny pushed the gun barrel into his face "or not."

"Fat Tony warned you what would happen if you tried something" Legs said "now you'll find out."

"Ahh man, this is whack!" Lewis exclaimed.

"Do me a favor, shoot him first" Bart said, pointing to Lewis.

But before either mobster could do anything, Sue Ellen jumped at them, and knocked the guns from their hands with karate chops.

"Let's see how tough you are without your little guns" she said smugly.

The smugness changed after Legs simply produced another pistol and pointed it right at her.

"I don't care if the boss thinks you're valuable" he said "ain't no zoo gonna need a cat."

Realizing what was happening, Arthur threw himself at Legs and knocked him aside, giving Sue Ellen time to karate chop him and Johnny Tightlips.

"Oh Arthur, you saved me!" she gushed "why the heck did you do something like that? You could've been killed!"

"Sue Ellen, I'd rather die than have to live in a world without you" Arthur replied.

"Oh Arthur!" Sue Ellen said, and hugged her boyfriend tightly "I'm sorry about what I said before, I do want you to protect me sometimes."

"Isn't that sweet Bart?' asked a tearful Lisa "who knew Arthur could come up with something so romantic?"

"Yeah, it must be really good, because that t-shirt store over there is using it too" Bart replied. He led his sister's gaze to a nearby store called 'Shirt Happens', which featured a shirt with the slogan 'I'd rather die than have to live in a world without you.'

"I hate to break up this feel good moment, but those other gangsters will be back any minute" Francine said.

"So either get a room or let me film you" Bart added.

"Come on" Lisa said, as she and the others led the kids away.

* * *

In another part of town, Louie & Fat Tony were gaining on Nelson.

"Give back the tire kid"

"Go stick the tire in your butts" Nelson retorted.

"You will be the one having things shoved in your posterior when we are done with you" Fat Tony replied.

"Hey wait boss, don't we got a spare tire?" Louie asked.

"I believe you are correct" Fat Tony said "come, we must hurry back to the limo and drop off our cargo. We shall deal with this tire thief another day."

Nelson watched as the two gangsters headed back the way they came.

"I guess I kept those two dinks busy long enough" he said "now, what should I do with this tire? Maybe I can use it as an inner tube in the pool."

After several minutes, Fat Tony returned to his limo to find the kids gone and Legs & Johnny Tightlips recovering.

"What happened here, where are our meal tickets?" he asked.

"I ain't saying nothing" Johnny Tightlips replied.

"I am continually infuriated by your refusal to converse about any topic."

"The Simpson kids came back here boss and freed the others" Legs explained.

"I warned them what would happen if they crossed me again" Fat Tony said "get the spare on, and follow them. They shall pay for what they have done."

"Can we eat first? I'm starving" Legs asked.

"Fine, we shall get some ziti, then go after them" Fat Tony added.

* * *

Meanwhile, Bart, Lisa, and their friends were by now miles away.

"Thanks again for saving us" Arthur said to Bart.

"Don't mention it" Bart replied "seriously, not to anyone."

"You're not out of the woods yet" Lisa said "as soon as Fat Tony finds out you've escaped, he'll come looking for you. We need to keep you someplace safe until we can deal with him."

"And where would that be Lis?" Bart asked.

"We need someplace Fat Tony would never look" Lisa replied "somewhere free of corruption, violence, and evil. And I know just the place…"

* * *

KNOCK! KNOCK!

"Well hi-diddley-ho neighborino" came the voice of Ned Flanders "if it isn't my favorite neighbor Lisa Simpson. What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Flanders, we have some friends from out of town visiting, and I was wondering if they could stay with you for a while."

Ned looked over at the weird animal-like kids standing near the Simpson kids. "I don't know Lisa, those kiddies over there look like proof of eve-diddly-lution, and, as a Christian, I can't accept something that would prove it was true."

"But doesn't the Bible say you have to open your doors to those in need?" Lisa asked.

"Well yeah."

"Well, our friends are in need. And I assure you, despite their odd appearance, they are no proof of evolution. In fact, they may be receptive to your message."

"When you put it that way" Ned said "come on in kiddies."

"Go on" Lisa encouraged her friends "it'll be fine, you'll be safe here till things die down."

After the kids entered the Flanders house, Bart & Lisa headed back towards their own.

"You left them with Flanders?" Bart asked "they'd be better off with Fat Tony."

"They'll be fine" Lisa said "now we have to figure out how to keep Fat Tony from being interested in them. And I think I have a plan."

"How come you always have the plans?" Bart asked "maybe I have a plan."

"Okay, what's you plan?"

"I got nothing, I just was tired of you always bragging."

* * *

"So, nice place you've got here" Arthur said, as he surveyed the home.

"Yeah, it's a little slice of heaven on Earth" Ned replied "of course, it can't compare to the actual heaven."

"Of course not" Arthur said.

"Well you kids make yourselves at home" Ned said "by which I mean act like you would in church. I'll be right back with some snacks for you hungry little travelers."

"Okay, this guy is nuts" Francine said, after Ned was out of earshot.

"He seems a little crazy, but he's nice and he's protecting us from the mob" Arthur said "so we should try to behave ourselves. And anyway, it's not like all of us don't go to church, well, except Francine."

"Yeah, but church is boring" Buster said "I always fall asleep."

"I wouldn't mention that" Arthur replied.

"Okay kids, I hope you're hungry, because I made my special nachos de Flanders" Ned, said, returning with a tray.

"Mmm, I'm so hungry I could eat…cucumbers covered with ketchup" Buster said, upon taking one of the treats.

"Yup, so dig in."

"Um, don't you have any salsa?" Buster wondered.

"Nope, it burns my tongue" Ned said "plus some of the brands are called 'diablo', which is the Spanish word for devil. And Ned Flanders will not have anything of the devil in this house, no siree."

"This should be fun" Francine muttered under her breath.

"What was that?"

"I said 'praise Jesus.'"

* * *

"Almost all the channels on the TV are blocked" Buster complained "this place is horrible, it must be what prison is like!"

"Actually, prisons are much worse" Alan explained "they suffer from overcrowding, not to mention frequent fights between inmates and squalid living conditions. And from what I understand, their showers aren't exactly the safest either."

"Okay, this place isn't ideal, I agree" Arthur said "but we have to be nice. Mr. Flanders is keeping us out of the hands of the mob, after all."

"Okay, but I don't now how much more I can handle" Buster said.

"Okey dokey kids, here's some refreshment to quench even the worst thirst" Flanders said, coming in from the kitchen with a tray of glasses.

"Water? Don't you have any soda?" Francine asked.

"Nope sorry, soda has caffeine in it, and my boys don't need that much sugar" Flanders replied "speaking of which, it's time you met the rest of the Flanders clan. Boys, come on down and meet our new friends."

Rod & Todd soon made their way down the stairs and into the living room.

"Boys, these are some friends of Lisa's who are going to being staying with us for a while. Everyone, these are my sons, Rod & Todd."

"Daddy, these kids look like animals" Rod said.

"Now Roddy, I know they look a bit different, but God says we should treat all of his people equally" Flanders replied.

"But what about gays?" Rod asked.

"Just...well...never mind boy" Flanders replied.

Todd meanwhile, examined Francine.

"Are you a monkey?" he asked.

"You catch on quick, don't you kid?" Francine said "now beat it!"

"Daddy, the monkey lady raised her voice at me" Todd whined.

"Now Francine, I understand you're a little stressed, but you're a guest here at casa de Flanders and there are certain rules I expect you to follow" Flanders said "and one is not to raise your voice in anger at my boys."

"Sorry" Francine said, half-heartedly.

"As Jesus would say, 'I forgive you'" Flanders said, "now, who's up for a game?"

"Yeah!" Rod & Todd exclaimed.

"A game sounds nice" Arthur said "I don't suppose you have 'No Guessing?'"

"Sorry, never heard of that one" Flanders replied "but I've got some great games, like Christian Clue. It's all the fun of the real Clue, but with none of the mur-diddily-urder."

"How about Monopoly?"

"Sorry, but I can't in good conscience own a game that rewards you for owning property. A true person's wealth comes from within. Plus they send you to jail for no reason; what kind of a message does that send to our youth?"

"That you should avoid the 'go directly to jail' squares" Alan replied sarcastically.

"Don't you have any games that are non-religious?" Francine asked "checkers or something?"

"Why didn't ya say so, I love checkers" Flanders replied.

"You do?" Arthur asked.

"Oh sure, it's a nice quiet game, with no complicated rules or bad morals" Flanders explained "I'll go fetch the board."

"You see guys, I told you things would be okay" Arthur said, after Flanders left.

"I still don't know, this guy is creeping me out with all the religious stuff" Francine said "even my bubbie isn't this weird."

"I'm sure we can last until Lisa figures out her plan to save us from the mobsters" Arthur said "I wonder what her plan is, anyway."

* * *

In another part of Springfield, meanwhile, Fat Tony's limo was still searching for his prize.

"I do not understand how our quarry could have escaped" he said "they stick out like a sore thumb in this town."

"Hey boss, ain't that the Simpson kids what we was looking for?" Legs asked, pointing out the window to a nearby Lisa & Bart.

"It is, good we can extract from them the location of our meal tickets" Fat Tony said "stop the car."

The limo stopped and before Bart & Lisa could react, they were surrounded by gun wielding mobsters.

"I told you what would happen if you crossed me again" Fat Tony warned "now, tell me where your animal friends are located, and I may not dump you in the reservoir."

"Fat Tony, do you really need our friends?" Lisa asked "aren't there other ways you can make money illegally?"

"I suppose" Fat Tony said "to be honest, this whole thing was beginning to be a hassle. Plus, the mafia hasn't doesn't business with the zoo since the whole polar bear fiasco a few years back."

"I remember that" Bart said "I can't believe they didn't figure out they were just grizzly bears covered in white paint."

"A truly clever scheme" Fat Tony said "unfortunately, when our ruse was exposed, the zoo became wary of doing business with us again."

"So how about letting our friends just live then, huh?" Lisa asked.

"I shall" Fat Tony said "but if they cross our paths again, especially the monkey or the cat one, I will have some new stuffed statues for my rec room. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a shipment of Taylor Swift CD's to catalog."

"Are they bootlegs?" Lisa asked.

"No" Fat Tony replied "didn't you ever wonder about her sudden rise to fame."

With that, the mobster and his goons hopped into their limo and drove off.

"Man, I wonder what other music figures are involved in organized crime" Bart said.

"Let's worry about that later" Lisa said "come on, Arthur and the others are safe, let's go tell them the big news."

* * *

Several minutes later, the siblings returned to the Flanders house.

"I hope they haven't been any trouble" Lisa commented, as she and Bart headed to the door.

"Trouble? Those guys?" Bart replied "please, their idea of trouble is lying to their parents."

Lisa ignored him and knocked on the door, which Flanders answered.

"Well hi-diddly-do Lisa."

"Good afternoon. I've come to pick up my friends, I hope they weren't too much trouble."

"Well, the monkey girl was a little cranky to start with, but after a while we got along great. These kids' parents have done a great a job of imparting them with strong moral values."

"I'm glad you think so" Lisa said "may I see them now?"

"Of course" Flanders said, then turned his head into the house "hey kids, Lisa & Bart are here for you."

"Hey Lisa" Arthur said, as he and the others made it to the door.

"Ready to leave?" Lisa asked.

"Okay" Arthur said, before turning to Flanders "thanks for everything Mr. Flanders."

"You're welcome Arthureno" Flanders said "and you're welcome to stop by Casa de Flanders whenever you come back to Springfield."

"I might take you up on that."

Flanders then waved goodbye and closed the door.

"Oh man, I'm so glad that's over" Arthur said wearily.

"Flanders lameness got to you, huh?" Bart asked.

"No kidding" Francine said "he didn't have any good snacks or anything remotely entertaining. And his kids were annoying. But my mom taught me to always be polite, so I held my tongue."

"Then why don't you ever do that when we're around?" Alan asked, resulting in Francine elbowing him in the gut.

"His TV had almost all the channels blocked" Buster said "I've never heard of that before. Who doesn't like TV? It's inhuman I tell you!"

"Anyway, we dealt with Fat Tony, so you're all safe" Lisa explained "and since there are no further interruptions, it's time Sue Ellen and I went on our double date."

"Do you mind if I use your room while you're gone?" Francine asked "I need to get everything ready for my article."

"Of course" Lisa said "you are my guest, after all."

"Well this has certainly been a day I won't soon forget" Buster said "we met all kinds of weird people, got captured by mobsters, and then hung out with a freaky religious guy. You won't see that in Elwood City."

* * *

Bart: I'm actually not surprised Flanders liked you guys.

Arthur: How come?

Bart: 'Cause you're from PBS man. Everyone knows everything on PBS is weak. That's why all the good shows are on HBO, FX, and to a lesser extent, Comedy Central.

Arthur: I disagree, I feel PBS airs a variety of interesting programs.

Bart: You've been hanging around brain boy too much, 'cause you're starting to talk like him. And no they don't; PBS airs the same lameass shows all the time. All that's ever on is lame nature shows, or stupid concerts, or documentaries about stuff nobody gives a crap about.

Arthur: I guess you're right.

Bart: I mean, I'm your bud, but if you're gonna keep company with PBS, then we can't be seen together. I have a reputation to uphold, you know.

Arthur: Let's just talk about what happens in the final chapter.

Bart: Same as on PBS; nothing. You guys go out on your date, then we say goodbye. Nothing explodes, or gets set on fire, and no one uses the "f word."

Arthur: Were you expecting that to happen?

Bart: Trust me man, if this story were on HBO, it would've happened about 4 times by now. Anyway, don't forget to Read & Review.


	10. The Final chapter

Despite everything that had happened, the kids from Elwood City were still looking forward to the date. And so it was, that both couple eventually made their way to the Gilded Truffle later that evening.

"This place looks really expensive" Sue Ellen commented "are you sure we can afford it?"

"Oh sure, my dad gave me enough money before we left" Lisa explained "besides, my family eats here on occasion and we've never had any problems."

The foursome approached a table, with the men pulling out the chairs for their dates. Eventually, they received menus, placed their orders, and generally enjoyed themselves. As things came to a close, Lisa poured a drink for the four of them and raised her glass.

"To us" she toasted "and our eternal friendship."

"Um, this isn't wine, is it?" Arthur asked, investigating the suspicious drink.

"Don't be silly" Lisa replied "we're far too young for that. No it's only Coke I'm afraid."

"Then why did it come in a bottle with a cork?" Sue Ellen asked.

"This is a very fancy restaurant" Lisa explained "they have a reputation to keep up."

* * *

After the date, everyone prepared to say goodbye to their Springfieldian friends.

"So long Lisa" Francine said "and don't worry, I promise to do a fair and unbiased review of the city in the Frensky Star. It wasn't all bad, after all."

"Goodbye" Sue Ellen said, hugging her friend "if you ever want to come to Elwood City, you're always welcome."

"I'll be sure to take you up on that offer."

"Well see ya, Bart" Arthur said.

"Don't get all mushy on me man" Bart replied "you're a guy for Pete's sake."

Further goodbyes were exchanged, then the kids piled into Mr. Read's catering van and took off.

"Something tells me we'll see them again" Homer commented.

"No duh Homer, they live like, an hour away from here" Bart replied.

"I'll teach you to ruin my wistful moment!" Homer said, strangling his son.

"Dad, when you did that to Bart as a kid, it was cute" Lisa said "well, okay, not really, but you get my point. Now that he's a teen, legally, I should be calling social services."

"We should've done that a long time ago Lis" Bart added, after Homer loosened his grip.

"Why you little!"

* * *

Meanwhile, the van headed off on its' way back to Elwood City.

"So, did you kids have a good time?" Mr. Read asked.

The kids looked at each other, not quite sure how to explain the events of the weekend.

"It was…eventful" Arthur replied.

"Glad to hear it" Mr. Read said.

Arthur sighed, glad that his dad didn't push the issue. Still, he did have a very interesting time; he met a number of new people, strange as they were, got captured by mobsters, and made an impulsive decision that helped save his girlfriend. All in all, not a bad two days.

(Sorry about how short this was, but I couldn't think of a funny way to end things. If anyone has any suggestions for a funnier ending, let me know and I'll change it).


End file.
